Name: various
Age: various; mainly under 30
Occupation: religious nuts
Last Seen: everywhere
Bee-otched For: needing a Swift kick in the ass
-Age: various; mainly under 30
Occupation: religious nuts
Last Seen: everywhere
Bee-otched For: needing a Swift kick in the ass
Somewhere out there, some young, millennial girl is in her bedroom, hugging her pillow in tears.
She's not crying because she broke up with her boyfriend, or even because her favorite reality show didn't end the way she wanted it to. It's because her idol, Taylor Swift's latest album got kicked out of Billboard's #1 spot for album sales by a band they never heard of before.
A band that's only been around for 29 years.
Tool's "Fear Inoculum" - their first album in 13 years - kicked T-Swizzle's "Lover" out of the top spot, selling 270,000 units. This has been a good last few weeks for hard rock with both Tool and Slipknot scoring #1 albums. And some felt that rock was dead.
In response to Tool's defeating of Swift, lead singer Maynard James Keenan tweeted a Photoshopped image of himself turning Swift into dust. Of course, many of TayTay's fans are upset that a "grandpa rock" band beat their precious former country music star down to #2, just ahead of Lana Del Rey's comeback album, "Norman Fucking Rockwell" (which has a sexy rendition of Sublime's "Doin' Time").
What might be funny is reading all the tweets from her fans, who were all pooping in Pampers when Tool's last album, "10,000 Days" was released 13 years ago. They sadly don't know who the hell Tool is. Some even posted that they heard that they were big in the 1990s, which BTW, is true. One complained about the fact that the songs on "Fear Inoculum" were over 10 minutes long (the longest tune, "7empest" is about 15 minutes in length). All the songs on "Fear Inoculum" were written by the band themselves, as opposed to the fact that yes, Swift wrote the songs on "Lover", though she used a ton of outside help.
What really makes me shake my head about Swift and how the record industry works is the fact that she's good at selling her soul. She's currently in a partnership with credit card giant Capital One and even appears in a commercial for them. That's right, Swifites! Thanks to the power of Capital One, even you can live like Taylor, but with high interest! Just make sure you make those minimum payments on time or else you'll have a repo man knocking on your door.
The thing is, the world needs Tool and other good rock bands to keep rock alive. It angers me that both record companies and radio companies are simply not doing enough to promote it or even promote newer artists. Hell, look at Saturday Night Live; the only rock act to be the musical guest last season was Michigan's own Greta Van Fleet. So far this upcoming season, the only thing close to a rockin' musical guest will be on the season opener, and it's Billie Eilish.
And BTW, TayTay will appear on episode two. A perfect time to use the bathroom.
Tool's #1 debut is also a slap in the face to the naysayers who all dismissed bands like them, KoRn, Slipknot, Rage Against the Machine and others as "kids bands" in the 1990s. You know, like that piece of shit "rock station" up in northern Michigan called WKLT. The only time I EVER heard Tool on KLT was when their old night jock, "The Renegade" played "Forty-Six and 2" on his nightly Renegade Shoot-out or whatever it was called. Guess what? THE LISTENERS LOVED IT! Of course, he was canned not long afterward, probably because the asshole who was running KLT at the time, Richard Dills sure as hell didn't want REAL ROCK MUSIC to be played on the station, which is why I and others my age have a grudge against them. Now that Rock 105 and 95-5 is taking away their numbers, it's living proof that if KLT last another 10 years, I'll be shocked.
Oh, and Maynard's from northern Michigan, having graduated from Scottville High School.
The point is, I understand. I sound like an old guy from the 1960s who loves Frank Sinatra telling my son who loves The Beatles that his music sucks. But then again, The Beatles were edgy while Frank was old. Tool's edgy while Taylor Swift is pure cornbread without butter. When I was a kid, parents HATED Marilyn Manson because he was a product of Satan. Now, the only controversial band is Ghost and they don't get the publicity Manson got in the 90s!
The thing is, there's lots of good rock out there, but radio stations and record labels need to promote them. If Tool and Slipknot can have #1 albums, so can Volbeat, Ghost, Halestorm and other bands that dominate Active Rock radio today.
Rock's not dead, just the brains of music and radio execs.
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Bee-otch of the Day is a production of Chuck69.com, Grand Rapids' site for Stern, politics and more!
Bee-otch of the Day Archives can be seen on http://beeotchoftheday.blogspot.com
Bee-otch of the Day is a production of Chuck69.com, Grand Rapids' site for Stern, politics and more!
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