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Name: Oprah Winfrey
Age: 57
Occupation: Negro Woman From the South
Last Seen: Chicago
Awarded For: giving me one of the best birthday gifts any man could ever get
Age: 57
Occupation: Negro Woman From the South
Last Seen: Chicago
Awarded For: giving me one of the best birthday gifts any man could ever get
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As some of you know, today is a very important day for me.
30 years ago today at 11:05 a.m., your humble Chuckster was born at Traverse City Osteopathic Hospital in (where else?) Traverse City, MI. Sadly, I have to work today, but being the big boy that I am, I can wait it out to this weekend in regards to partying. I'm heading to my uncle's place in Grand Blanc, where I hope *not* to get obscenely drunk.
I've gotten some money from my family, but no wrapped gifts. That's fine, but a billionaire has given me - and millions of men like me - the perfect gift. And that woman is none other than Orpah Gail Winfrey.
OK, so the NWFTS didn't give me a car, or even a selection from her book club. She didn't even give me a crusty old copy of her magazine. All she did was do something that she should have done years ago.
Yep, you guessed it: Oprah just canceled her 25-year-old talk show.
And as expected, I couldn't be more happier.
True, Oprah's a huge supporter of the Democrats and was instrumental in getting Obama to be elected president, Goddamn did her show suck ass.
Sorry, but just because you're a fat black woman doesn't mean that you can rip-off Phil Donohue and give your show a fresh coat of paint. I know, Oprah's done a lot of good, but let's face it: her show did nothing for me. It did for the millions of yentas that love her, but that's their opine. I found her show bland and at times, hypocritical.
For one thing, I love the fact that she never got a fine from the FCC, even though she talked about the same things Howard Stern did. Remember the infamous episode about teenage sex when an "expert" talked about "salad tossing" and "ring parties"? She wasn't fined, but if Howard talked about the same thing on terrestrial, it's a NAL on his ass. Or, how about the show where Dr. Oz talked about pooping? Same 'ol (ahem) shit. Same show, different audience.
Look, I love people who say that Howard's overpaid. OK, Oprah's worth $3 billion. Howard? Probably not even $100 million. He's made Sirius/XM famous. Oprah? She has her own channel, but rarely talks about it.
But, oh, well. Oprah's riding into the sunset. She still has her empire, including her magazine, her ailing cable channel, plus Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Rachael Ray, Nate Berkus and to some extent, The Doctors.
But, another but is, who will replace Oprah? I know that her old flagship, WLS-TV in Chicago will replace her with a local show. Oddly enough, Oprah's show was once a local show, AM Chicago . But, what about the rest of the stations in the Oprah Network?
Here's something to remember: in 1997, Oprah WASN'T the top talker in syndication. Guess who it was? None other than Jerry Springer. Yep! People loved the daily fight-fest that was Springer. He's still on the air, but mostly on second-tier stations (i.e. Fox, CW and MyNetworkTV). I think if his show, or maybe even Maury or even Steve Wilkos is put on the 4 p.m. slot, Ellen could get creamed in the ratings big-time.
Hmmmm.... Cream. Something Ellen's afraid of, LOL.
But, I fear that an Oprah clone's in the works. There's a ton of 'em out there, and sadly, she's the producer of some of them. Who knows? Maybe Gayle King's thinking about doing another show.
Oprah, don't let the door hit you too hard on the ass. Thanks, but I need to know who the babydaddy is.
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