When I was a teen, Chris Rock had a funny routine that began with the words "every town has two malls: the mall the white people go to... and the mall the white people USED to go to."
Rock described the mall "the white people used to go to" as "having nothing but sneakers and baby clothes" because all black people do is make illegitimate children and run away when they're behind on paying child support.
When I moved to Grand Rapids in 2002, we had five (!!!) malls: RiverTown, Woodland, Rogers Plaza (Rogers Department Store was still in business), plus the hoidy-toidy Breton Village and the depressing Centerpointe Mall, formerly Eastbrook Mall. North Kent Mall had recently been demolished to make way for a Lowe's. Since then, both Breton Village and Centerpoint (the e was dropped) have been de-malled and are now outdoor shopping centers.
Growing up in boring northern Michigan, I thought it was cool that I now lived just up the road from Woodland. However, people told me that the fairly-new RiverTown Crossings was now the cool mall. It was in the beginning since it felt that it had more than what Woodland had to offer, including a new Cinemark theater and two stories as opposed to Woodland only having one (however, RiverTown is only slightly bigger by 100,000 square feet).
One problem Woodland had for years was that it did show signs of being an uncool mall. There were rumors of gang activity and idiots with kiosks who were nothing more than street beggars selling expensive shit that was $50 cheaper at Meijer. In 2005, a new Cinemark theater opened and new restaurants popped up.
Last year, Woodland - originally a Taubman Center now owned by the Pennsylvania Real Estate Investment Trust - was revitalized with a $100 million renovation, complete with a new Von Maur to replace the departed Sears. Of course, COVID-19 shuttered the mall for a few months, leaving the results of the revitalization as mixed. Already, a cell phone store and a "Made In Michigan" shop have left the new wing. Since COVID-19, TGI Friday's, Celebration! Cinema, Express, Justice, Dough Life (a store that sold cookie dough) and AT&T have all abandoned the mall. However, Aeropostale, Champs Sports, Sephora, Toysmark and Jamba Juice have all opened. New stores on the way include White House Black Market, The Zon3 (a men's clothing store) and Windsor.
RiverTown (originally a GGP mall now owned by Brookfield) seems to be holding its own, despite losing Younkers two years ago as part of parent company The Bon-Ton's bankruptcy. However, there are some abandoned storefronts that have since popped up.
Both RiverTown and Woodland have their pluses and minuses against each other. RiverTown has two stories while Woodland is one (with Macy's, JCPenney and Barnes and Noble having two). Woodland has a Cheesecake Factory. RiverTown still has a movie theater while Woodland's 14-screener's future is up in limbo and so on.
But now, Woodland does have one plus over RiverTown: it doesn't have a fucked-up church.
Recently, I was checking out RiverTown's list of stores. My eyes nearly popped out when I saw the words "Eternal Word Church" in the list of stores on their website. Part of me asked, "is this mall that destitute?" Most malls with churches it seems are dying and struggling and would sell their space to anybody.
The last time I was at RiverTown was March of last year. I only usually go once per year since, well, I'm by Woodland. Granted, RiverTown is a nice mall and so is Woodland. But knowing what church Eternal Word is makes me proud that I don't go to RiverTown often.
Eternal Word Church is located in the lower level Macy's wing next to Old Navy. I noticed plenty of red flags with this "church". On the site, it proclaimed that they are partnered with two organizations known for begging for huge sums of money: Kenneth Copeland Ministries and Jesse Duplantis Ministries. The two are good buds and appeared on each others' respective shows. One notorious moment was when Duplantis proclaimed his reasoning for wanting a $70 million personal jet. He told his audience that "demons fly in coach" and "if Jesus was still on this Earth, he wouldn't be riding a donkey". Not only that, but Copeland also flies jet planes and has his own airport.
Several years ago, Copeland made headlines when he and his wife proclaimed that if you get cancer, just send them money and the cancer would go away. One woman did so and ended up dying without proper treatment for her disease. Along with his jet planes, Copeland lives in a $6 million house that his ministry - and not himself - paid for.
What's even more troubling is that if you go to Eternal Word's Facebook page, there's a photo of their pastors, Philip and Bernadette Smith standing in front of their house with all Republican signs on their front lawn. One of the captions reads, "Join Pastor Philip and I in CHOOSING pro Jehovah God, pro Life, pro America and pro the U.S. Constitution candidates!"
(Insert the sounds of a cuckoo clock here.)
Yes, nothing like a "ministry" whose black pastors support the most-racist, xenophobic politicians in this country, this state and this area. I'll betcha that they laughed when they heard about Breonna Taylor being shot to death by the police while she was asleep. I'll betcha that every time the media shows George Floyd being kneeled to death by a Minneapolis cop, it's one of the funniest scenes in television history. To me, a black person who's a Rethuglican is just another house slave.
And guess what? Bernadette Smith is a CONVICTED FELON! According to this article, in 2010, she failed to inform the IRS that she took more than $500 in welfare. As a result, she spent four years on probation. Not only that, Smith crashed her car into another car, causing a 10-year-old child to suffer a brain injury which gave her two misdemeanors.
In a Tweet made several years ago, Smith praised Drumpf for "lowering unemployment among blacks". Meanwhile, Pastor Philip - whose middle name is Ricardo - tweeted "How do we know if the illegal Mexican immigrants aren’t a Trojan Horse sending their army ahead for a future conquest? (Destroy from within)" Yet, his church preaches "love, acceptance, and forgiveness".
I was at RiverTown some years back and from out of nowhere, an overcaffeinated douchebag slammed me a brochure by some sharply-dressed preacher. As I was walking by, he started asking a million questions. "Do you believe in God?" "Do you believe that you're going to Heaven?" Mentally in my head, I was thinking about old Looney Tunes where somebody is slapping somebody else while yelling "AAAAAAAAAH SHADDAP!".
A few weekends ago, I decided to go to Grandville to check up on my aunt's old house. Afterward, I decided that since it was well over a year, I should check out RiverTown.
Now, I make videos chronicling retail. Obviously, I'm not the only one. I've done a few on RiverTown, plus sisters Grand Traverse Mall in Traverse City and Crossroads in Portage. The last mall I shot was the very-derelict Orchards Mall in Benton Harbor. I feel that my videos paint a picture on how malls are dealing with change in the Amazon age, good and bad. While out in Grandville, I took my Osmo Pocket, which shoots brilliant videos for its small size.
Sadly, while PREIT dumped over $100 million into keeping Woodland alive, I noticed that stores have been leaving RiverTown here and there. One store I just noticed abandoning RiverTown is White House Black Market, which is opening a new store at Woodland later this month (it was supposed to open in the Spring, but, yeah, COVID-19). Nothing has been done to the abandoned Younker's space, either. I wouldn't be surprised if the Tanger Outlets south of town is hurting RiverTown as well. One rumor I've heard is that rent at Brookfield malls ain't cheap. It might also explain why up in my old stomping grounds of Traverse City, Grand Traverse Mall has lost stores like Hollister and Journey's in recent years.
I walked up the bottom corridor from Macy's to the still-open Sears when suddenly, I heard a loud "SIR!" It was a disgusting-looking, fat bitch came running towards me. It was... a blartette, aka a female security guard. She screamed at me, telling me that two women complained to her that I was "filming women inappropriately". BULLSHIT! I told her that I was only filming the mall and not women, and she bitched at me even more. She said that the mall is private property and no videos or photos are allowed. OK, so how come I don't see it on the mall's "code of conduct"? Sorry, but people bring cameras to the mall all the time. They take pictures and share them online. It's the same as going to a museum or a landmark.
Look, I like RiverTown. However, it's in Drumpf Country. I have video of me walking past this fat, $11 per hour ho who looked like if Post Malone and Chrissy Metz had a love child. There were no "two women complaining that I was shooting at women inappropriately". I think she simply saw me and followed me down to Sears, wanting to scream at somebody. She was nothing more than a Karen who probably hates men, plain and simple.
Once again, I'm kinda scared to go back to RiverTown. Considering that this "church" is only open a few days per week, I wonder if the Smiths go around the mall begging people to join their shitshow. When I go to a mall, I want to simply enjoy myself and not worry about the world's problems. It is understandable that malls are struggling, especially during the age of Amazon and COVID-19. Some malls have redeveloped their shuttered department stores into office space. Others have turned them into medical offices, colleges and yes, churches. To me, a church in a mall is the sign that the owners have given up.
Since my incident with the blartette, SURPRISE! RiverTown has lost a few more stores. However, they are gaining an H&M. Weird, since they have announced that they are closing 250 stores. Not to mention that Grandville seems to be a great place for an H&M because, well, racism.
Now, if this church was at Rogers Plaza, I probably wouldn't mind. Last time I visited, it was loaded with vacancies. THEY'RE the ones who need help, not RiverTown!
A church that associates themselves with fakes like Kenneth Copeland should be avoided, period. Any so-called ministry that preaches the so-called "prosperity gospel" is simply preaching lies misinterpreted as Biblical fact. Hell, I've heard of people who went BANKRUPT because they spent their life savings on these phony preachers.
Not all malls can be perfect. I know of one mall where it's all retail on the top floor and doctors' offices on the bottom. Yes, one can be at Victoria's Secret shopping for sexy thongs while an elderly man gets a proctology exam right below. But the reality is that when an organization calls themselves a "church" and it's all about buying luxury items, it goes against Jesus' teachings. It's easier for a donkey to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to go to Heaven. When you call yourself a Christian and you go against Jesus' teachings, you're a scam artist.
Whether or not RiverTown and Brookfield will remove this fake church will be anyone's guess. Bear in mind that technically, RiverTown *is* in Ottawa County, which is Drumpf Country. So, if you want Bible thumping with your Bath and Body Works, be my guest. As for me, I'll stick to Woodland, where I've shot several videos there with my Osmo. I've walked by many blarts and blartettes and they don't seem to mind. Not to mention the fact that I bought my Osmo at a store that's an advantage Woodland has over RiverTown: the Apple Store. Let's remember that Woodland got themselves into deep shit a number of years ago when some asshole opened up a pet store that sold "designer dogs". Because of public outcry, Woodland and the store parted ways.
Look, if that blartette didn't harass and embarrass me, I would have bought something from RiverTown. But since they're paying her wages, fuck that shit. I've made huge purchases at RiverTown in the past. As a matter of fact, it was one of my old pre-Osmo videos where I discovered PowerStreamtv.com. The owner was running a kiosk by the food court and demonstrating how they work. After doing my research, I bought one of their most-expensive units a few days later. ONE OF THE BEST INVESTMENTS I'VE EVER MADE, PERIOD. But, guess what? He had to close. Why? BECAUSE THEY JACKED UP HIS RENT SO FUCKING HIGH, THAT HE COULDN'T MAKE A PROFIT. Since RiverTown doesn't have hardly any stores that are better than what's over at Woodland, fuck 'em.
In the great words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, I'll be back. And yes, my Osmo will be too. However, I don't plan to be back until the pandemic ends. Hopefully by then, 1) people will learn that Eternal Life and the Smiths are con artists, 2) that disgusting cunt of a blartette will be long gone (I wouldn't call mall security a rewarding career) and 3) RiverTown will lose a lot more stores as punishment for their horseshit. Sorry, but if you say shit, you get hit. Treating customers - potential and current - like shit will kill you. Look at Steak 'n Shake: they've closed a TON of locations not too long ago because of years of poor service. One time, I was not greeted by staff, so I went to Denny's. Another time, my chili was cold. Yet another time, I ordered chili and got a salad instead.
Let's remember that Brookfield is to malls as Clear Channel/iHeartMedia is to radio. Some of Brookfield's malls are littered with vacancies while others are thriving. It's all about money to them. However, storefront churches and angry blarts are characteristics of dying malls. If RiverTown doesn't wash its ass, it will be similar to (gulp) a mall owned by Moonbeam. I'm only trying to help them, not hurt them.
Maybe they oughta turn the old Younkers into a strip club. Jesus walked with prostitutes, not wealthy Republicans.
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