Thursday, February 10, 2011

2.10,.11 Bee-otch of the Day: Ashlee Simpson

Name: Ashlee Simpson
Age: 26
Occupation: shitty pop singer
Last Seen: Los Angeles
Bee-otched For: going on the market  
First, she came into our hearts as the younger sister of the ditz named Jessica. 

Then, she proved to the world how much of a fraud she is by lip-synching on Saturday Night Live.
And then, Playboy offered her $4 million to pose nude for the magazine, but turned it down claiming that she could earn it touring. But since nobody likes her anymore post-SNL fluke, she ended up playing in half-empty arenas and even canceling some dates. 

And finally, she married Pete Wentz of emo rock group Fall Out Boy and ruined her body when she gave birth to his kid, Bronx. Now, if she were to do Playboy to save her still-in-limbo career, I fear that she's going to look like Cindy Margolis when she FINALLY did the magazine. 

And mind you, thanks to the heavy amounts of airbrushing they did to her since she's now old, Cindy looked like an alien. 

Now, poor 'ol Asslee is divorcing Pete. According to documents, it's due to the good 'ol "irreconcilable differences". Hmmmm.... Maybe Pete cheated on little 'ol Asslee? It's a possibility. After all, she probably has cellulite all over her once-rockin' little bod for having that kid. 

If there's an expert on the female body, it's little 'ol me. As some of you know, I once enjoyed going to the Deja Vu in Kalamazoo prior to the retarded anti-nudity law being passed. Anyway, like most strip clubs, the Vu does occasionally hire girls who (COUGH) don't belong there. Now, Kalamazoo's a college town, so there's a lot of 20-somethings who work there. But, there's a few single moms who work there and you can easily tell by their c-scars, stretch marks and flab galore. Sadly, I've gotten a few dances from single moms because they won't leave me alone. Because of their saggy asses, sitting on my lap is like two sharp knives getting shoved into my balls.

And don't even start on their va-jay-jays. If you can smell one through a G-string, chances are that something truly did die in there. 

Now, I will agree. There are some hot mamas out there, but they were probably hotter pre-kid. That's my fear with Asslee. If she decided to do Playboy, it'll be too late. Jessica, on the other hand...
Thanks, but there's better fish in the sea. 


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