Thursday, May 26, 2011

5.26.11 Hero of the Day: Oprah Winfrey

Name: Oprah Winfrey
Age: 57
Occupation: Negro Woman From the South
Last Seen: Chicago
Awarded For: giving me one of the best birthday gifts any man could ever get


As some of you know, today is a very important day for me.

30 years ago today at 11:05 a.m., your humble Chuckster was born at Traverse City Osteopathic Hospital in (where else?) Traverse City, MI. Sadly, I have to work today, but being the big boy that I am, I can wait it out to this weekend in regards to partying. I'm heading to my uncle's place in Grand Blanc, where I hope *not* to get obscenely drunk.

I've gotten some money from my family, but no wrapped gifts. That's fine, but a billionaire has given me - and millions of men like me - the perfect gift. And that woman is none other than Orpah Gail Winfrey.

OK, so the NWFTS didn't give me a car, or even a selection from her book club. She didn't even give me a crusty old copy of her magazine. All she did was do something that she should have done years ago.
Yep, you guessed it: Oprah just canceled her 25-year-old talk show.

And as expected, I couldn't be more happier.

True, Oprah's a huge supporter of the Democrats and was instrumental in getting Obama to be elected president, Goddamn did her show suck ass.

Sorry, but just because you're a fat black woman doesn't mean that you can rip-off Phil Donohue and give your show a fresh coat of paint. I know, Oprah's done a lot of good, but let's face it: her show did nothing for me. It did for the millions of yentas that love her, but that's their opine. I found her show bland and at times, hypocritical.

For one thing, I love the fact that she never got a fine from the FCC, even though she talked about the same things Howard Stern did. Remember the infamous episode about teenage sex when an "expert" talked about "salad tossing" and "ring parties"? She wasn't fined, but if Howard talked about the same thing on terrestrial, it's a NAL on his ass. Or, how about the show where Dr. Oz talked about pooping? Same 'ol (ahem) shit. Same show, different audience.

Look, I love people who say that Howard's overpaid. OK, Oprah's worth $3 billion. Howard? Probably not even $100 million. He's made Sirius/XM famous. Oprah? She has her own channel, but rarely talks about it.
But, oh, well. Oprah's riding into the sunset. She still has her empire, including her magazine, her ailing cable channel, plus Dr. PhilDr. OzRachael RayNate Berkus and to some extent, The Doctors.

But, another but is, who will replace Oprah? I know that her old flagship, WLS-TV in Chicago will replace her with a local show. Oddly enough, Oprah's show was once a local show, AM Chicago . But, what about the rest of the stations in the Oprah Network?

Here's something to remember: in 1997, Oprah WASN'T the top talker in syndication. Guess who it was? None other than Jerry Springer. Yep! People loved the daily fight-fest that was Springer. He's still on the air, but mostly on second-tier stations (i.e. Fox, CW and MyNetworkTV). I think if his show, or maybe even Maury or even Steve Wilkos is put on the 4 p.m. slot, Ellen could get creamed in the ratings big-time.

Hmmmm.... Cream. Something Ellen's afraid of, LOL.

But, I fear that an Oprah clone's in the works. There's a ton of 'em out there, and sadly, she's the producer of some of them. Who knows? Maybe Gayle King's thinking about doing another show.

Oprah, don't let the door hit you too hard on the ass. Thanks, but I need to know who the babydaddy is.


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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

5.25.11 Bee-otch of the Day: Clear Channel

Name: Clear Channel
Age: 39
Occupation: radio behemoth
Last Seen: San Antonio, TX
Bee-otched For: wanting to end The Oasis

Oh, great. Here comes Clear Channel wanting to protect shit that doesn't matter to anybody outside the places they serve.

Clear Channel has its head up its ass again. This time, they're fighting with the FCC to shut down a recently-launched smooth jazz station in Detroit. The station is 104.7 The Oasis, but technically, they're a low-watt translator station rebroadcasting the HD2 signal of WGPR 107.5. The station is owned by a man named Tim Martz, who also owns another recently-launched station in Detroit, modern rocker 94.3 The Bone (simulcasting WGPR-HD3).

Martz owns the translators, but per FCC rules and regs, the translators must rebroadcast another station. So, he's leasing the HD signals of WGPR, whose main signal is still airing the urban format it's had since 1964.
Of course, Martz wants to raise some hell in the Detroit market, as evidenced by the positions of his stations. Somehow, the FCC is allowing him to put his alternative station on 94.3, which interferes with a station from Canada. But now, it's his 104.7 stick that's raising the ire of good 'ol Cheap Channel.

The evil radio group, which also gives us Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Ryan Seacrest is petitioning the FCC to shut down 104.7 The Oasis because it interferes with their white trash-friendly rocker WIOT, also at 104.7 in Toledo. WIOT has been telling its downriver Detroit listeners to report to them and the FCC of The Oasis' signal-jamming.

Now, Martz is firing back by launching a new website asking listeners to save the fledgling smooth jazz station. On the site, they claim that Clear Channel has a vendetta against Martz, even though WIOT is a Toledo station designed not to serve Detroit. They also point out that CC owns seven sticks in Detroit, and they're only trying to protect their asses from a station that only broadcasts with 250 watts as compared to 50,000. 

Weirdly enough, Martz has a permit to move 104.7 to 93.9, where 100,000-watt Canadian AAA station CIDR/93.9 The River's positioned. However, Martz claims that his 93.9 will be highly directional to protect CIDR, but this could turn into a heavy war between the FCC and the Canadian government over signal protection. As I mentioned earlier, 94.3 The Bone is blocking a Canadian station CKSY 94.3 out of Chatham, ON. But, CKSY shouldn't have much room to complain since their stick is 50 miles from Detroit. Their distant contour per maxes out just east of Sterling Heights.

I remember a similar incident some years ago in northern Michigan when Northern Broadcast decided to dump a simulcast of their unpopular AC 106.7 WSRT (now talk as You FM) on a translator station at 95.5 out of Boyne City/Petoskey. Problem was, it interfered with Northern Star's Modern Rock 95-5 The Zone (now part of the Real Rock 105/95-5 simulcast) out of Glen Arbor, which is west of Traverse City. Even worse, Northern Star eliminated The Zone's simulcast with 94.5 Mackinaw City - serving Petoskey, Charlevoix, Cheboygan and the rest of the Straits Area - angering rock fans in the area and forcing them to listen to Northern's white trash rocker WKLT 97.5/98.9. So, Northern and Northern Star - two different companies mind you - duked it out and agreed to move the 95.5 translator to 95.3 where it stands today.
In my honest opinion, Martz is a genius. For years, Clear Channel has screwed over listeners and employees alike, just like most other radio groups. Hell, they STILL deserve to burn in hell for what they did to Howard Stern in 2004 just because of Janet Jackson. I know, WIOT's grade B contour barely scratches Livonia. It also doesn't make it to Detroit, either. Martz is a small fish, but CC is a Beluga. All these little translator stations have done is piss off the big guys since they've pissed Detroit off.

I know, smooth jazz sucks. This is all about the lesser of the evils, which is Martz. But I agree that it's time for something new to come to town in terms of radio. I'll admit that I kinda like 94.3 The Bone. I'm a new rock guy, and Detroit needs more than two choices for rock. WRIF is old and 89X has to bow to CanCon. True, The Bone could be edgier, but I do like the variety so far. Yeah, the signal sucks, but maybe all the publicity it and 104.7 The Oasis will help 'em out a little.

Oh, and I just read that good 'ol Rush Limbaugh's ratings are down... A LOT. Way to go, Clear Channel! 

May David's pebbles knock you down.  


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Monday, May 23, 2011

5.23.11 Bee-otch of the Day: Harold Camping

Name: Harold Camping
Age: 89
Occupation: Christian radio broadcaster
Last Seen: Alameda, CA
Bee-otched For: being another crazy old Jebus freak

May 21, 2011 came and went.

On that day, I went out and got a burrito from Moe's Southwestern Grill near I-96 and 28th St. here in Grand Rapids. After that, I went food shopping, came home, cleaned the limestone from my humidifier, cleaned out my fish tank, did laundry, cooked a steak and headed downtown to check out its newest dive, The Pyramid Scheme. After that, I hung outside with the smokers at J. Gardella's, which was easily the hippest spot downtown inside and outside.

Oh, and I didn't die.

On that day, nobody disappeared off the face of the earth. There were no earthquakes, but a few tornadoes in the nation's heartland. Plus, as far as I know, there were no radio stations treating Slipknot's "Left Behind" like they did to Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA" on 9/11.
It wasn't the end of the world as we knew it, and we felt fine. However, it was Harold Camping and his followers that spent Sunday with egg all over their faces.

By now, we're familiar with Camping, the aging preacher who owns Family Radio, a network of several dozen radio stations - full and low-powered - and even a few TV stations. In 1994, Camping predicted that the world would end that September to no avail. He "rechecked his math" and then, he came up with May 21st, 2011.

Tragically, many took Camping too seriously, especially since the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. Some even blew their life savings on ads declaring that the world would end at 6 p.m. that day.

But, we're still here.

On Sunday, reporters went to Camping's home in Alameda, CA and nobody answered the door. Family Radio is still on the air, airing their usual programming, although their website is jammed up.

Ya know, folks, I hate to break it to you, but The Bible is just like every book written centuries ago: it has a lot of lost parts. I'll betcha the reason why they're lost is because of religious groups over time who all believe in one part of the Bible but not another. So, they were all destroyed, or maybe forgotten. Therefore, that Bible you have sitting on your coffee table only exists partially.

So, will the world end? Who knows! People have been predicting its end for centuries but to no avail. I think the real losers out there are those who believed in Camping and gave him their life savings to support his beliefs. Bear in mind that Family Radio is worth over $120 million and some of their stations are on commercial slots - like 94.7 in New York City - that can be sold for tens of millions of dollars.

But bear in mind that the world will indeed end... For 89-year-old Harold Camping.


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Thursday, May 19, 2011

5.19.11 Bee-otch of the Day: Fox News Channel

Name: Fox News Channel
Age: 15
Occupation: right winged piece of shit cable news channel
Last Seen: New York
Bee-otched For: making a Common misconception, as usual


Republicans and stupidity: why I only vote Democrat.

For several weeks, the Fox News Channel and their commentators have been blasting the rapper named Common for his sexist and violent lyrics involving killing cops and president Bush. This is due to the First Lady Michelle Obama inviting him for a poetry jam a few weeks ago.

But thank God for The Daily Show. Their writers watch FNC so we don't have to.

On a recent episode of Mike Huckabee's talk show, he was talking about his love for Jesus and blah blah blah, but guess who he ended up having on as his guest for the evening? Rocker turned nutjob Ted Nugent.
Good 'ol Uncle Ted and his band played his signature "Cat Scratch Fever" with Huckabee pulling a Speck Rhodes by playing secondary bass. Yep, you guessed it: during the song's last stanza, Teddy Boy sang "I hear a pussy purr with a stroke of my hand."

OK, so it's OK to criticize a black man for being sexist, but there's 'ol Teddy Nugent rapping about an object that resembles a ZZ Top member's beard (bear in mind that "Cat Scratch Fever" came out in 1977). OK, I get it. Same goes with where I come from in northern Michigan: you have two top 40 stations that kinda stray away from rap and hip-hop, but all four rock stations have "Cat Scratch Fever" in heavy rotation.
What a world we live in.

You know, this only proves my point that whitey's still scared of a black man because he always talks inappropriately, but if a white man says it, no biggie. The black man's a poor liberal while whitey's a wealthy conservative always armed with a bow and arrow. But, that's OK. Ted's probably needing the money nowadays since he hasn't had a hit record or album in years, plus the fact that he recently lost his home in Michigan due to black mold. Sucks to be him.

Fox News Channel: they report, I decide, I'll keep it blacked out from my cable lineup.


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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

5.18.11 Bee-otch of the Day: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Name: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Age: 63
Occupation: actor, bodybuilder and asshole governor
Last Seen: Los Angeles
Bee-otched For: getting deflated (which, you know, is the opposite of getting pumped up)


Ironically, this Bee-otch of the Day comes on the 18th anniversary of my parents' separation and eventual divorce. When I think of what's going on in this situation, I'll admit that I do feel for the children involved. My heart does go out to them.

But yes, the parents of Katherine, Christina, Patrick and Christopher Schwarzenegger are no longer together. After 25 years of marriage, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separated. For a few days, it wasn't well-known why the two split, but now, the truth is told:

Arnold pumped up one of his maids, Mildred Baena over 10 years ago and now has a c. 11-year-old son. Arnold has been trying to hide their relationship for years and is now taking the heat for it.

So much for the ex-California governor, who is a Republican, you know, the family values party? Tsk, tsk, tsk. It's sad that many people over the years looked to Arnie as a rock of strength and high moral values. But guess what? HE FUCKED UP!

Even my former governor, Jennifer Granholm - whom I dearly miss - said this on her Twitter: "Guys, keep ur pants zipped."

Ya know, I understand that Democrats fuck up too. Nobody's perfect. But when we have a party like the Repukes making such a big deal over President Clinton - who wasn't perfect, but one of the best presidents in my lifetime - and his infidelities, the yoke ends up on their face. Look at Newt Gingrich. Do you think he'll be president after what he did to his ex-wife who had cancer? Fucking idiot.

The point is, Arnold didn't do much as California governor. The state's still in massive debt even after his term limit expired. All I can say is thank God that a Democrat, Jerry Brown is back in charge. As far as I know, his pants are still zipped.

So, where's your morals now, Repukes?


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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

5.17.11 Bee-otch of the Day: Donald Trump

Name: Donald Trump
Age: 64
Occupation: rich guy
Last Seen: New York City
Bee-otched For: being a quitter


From the "Gee, Chuck, Why Didn't You Give This Asshole the Bee-otch of the Day Sooner?" files...
Well, now, you get your wish.

And it's one day after he finally announced that he's NOT running for president in 2012. Trump had been hinting that he had been wanting to run for months and even playing hardball with President Obama, especially over his birth certificate.

But let's face it, it's no secret that Trump would have been a shitty president. He's pro-life, against same-sex marriage, he wants to get rid of "Obamacare" and anti-gun control. Plus, he's just not down to earth. He's worth almost $3 billion and was born into an already wealthy family.

Oh, and let's not forget, he gets to fuck any fine Russian pussy he lays his eye on.

I remember some years ago, Trump was talking about the 2004 election and that even though he's supported Democrats in the past, he supported Bush because of his tax cuts. Just imagine if Trump WAS our president: everything Obama worked hard for saving the middle class would be back into a Dubya-esque smoke. There would be a small handful of little Donalds running around acting like a prick to their workers, denying them raises and fucking hot broads with 10 less letters in their names than whatever broad Donald's fucking today.

Look folks, the only thing tighter than the broads Trump fucks is my wallet. My parents were working class schlubs like everybody else, and I have to fend for myself. I wasn't given much of anything growing up. Hell, I didn't even have a college fund and went to a piece of shit tech school filled with retards and ex-convicts. Hell, that's one reason in itself why I love Obama better: he was raised by a single mom. To have an idiot like Trump as my president would only make me want to move to Canada.

But, as-is, the Repukes have no chance in hell in winning in 2012. The economy's getting better, Obama has shown that he is tough on big oil, which is why gas prices are going down... Hell, OBAMA CAUGHT OSAMA! Most Repuke supporters don't even like the people willing to fight him in 2012. Yes, he has his problems, but Obama's too popular to lose to some slackjaw prick whose shit don't stink.

So long, Don. You're the fired one.


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