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Name: The Devos family
Ages: various
Occupations: billionaires
Last Seen: Holland and all of west Michigan
Bee-otched For: once again spreading their seed around town
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Like the Cherry Festival in Traverse City, Grand Rapids' Artprize is becoming one big, giant, overrated pile of shit.
Or should I say, jism?
The Devos family's yearly event which is designed for people to show off their works of art and get rewarded something like $500,000 (a flash in the pan for a family worth $6 billion) is underway this week and it will go on for something like a week and a half. Yeah, I know, I'm kinda guessing because simply, I don't care.
I know. The artists are talented and the first two winners of the competition were exceptionally well-done pencil drawings that were realistic. But sadly, let's not forget who's sponsoring the event: the Devos family, aka Amway.
Now, you're probably asking, "Chuck, why do you hate the Devoses and Amway so much? They've given so much back to the community!" I know, you're right. I'm harsh on them at times, but that's because deep down inside, they're evil. Personally, I won't do business with them. I won't buy an Amway product, nor will I ever attend a Grand Rapids Griffins game or buy a car at a Fox Motors dealership. I think the issue at hand is that they are worth too much money, they've outsourced a lot of jobs to China and they're in bed with religious Reich groups such as Focus on the Family and the American Decency Association.
Being a loner with not many friends, I used to go to the strip clubs here in Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo. Of course, that came to an end in 2006 when a local activist, Judy Rose decided to raise funds to challenge the city's strip club laws, and somebody did so anonymously. According to insiders in the industry, Rose raised a lot of the money from the Devos family. Why? Because she even appeared in an ad for Dick Devos' failed campaign for governor that year. Thankfully for Rose, the city was on her side, and the strip clubs were forced to cover up. Despite so many battles between the clubs and the courts, the city and Rose won each time. Rose felt that there was a link between strip clubs and crime, but even Mayor George Heartwell said that there wasn't, and he's right!
But yet, The Devoses have decided to kiss the city's ass once again, and it's by creating this drawn-out (no pun intended) festival where people display their works. It has been successful so far, but that's only because the media hypes it; WOOD-TV 8 even moves their news set to the hub of the festival downtown.
Last year, one of the most-controversial artworks was "Life Positive", three paintings by E.A. Conner, a man who is HIV-positive. His paintings of three symbols of the virus - a scorpion, a red ribbon and a biohazard sign - were displayed at Rumors, a LGBT nightclub on Division Street. The paintings were composed using a wood panel with acrylics and... Conner's HIV-infected semen.
Grand Rapids: the city where a you can't pay a naked woman to have her bare privates just millimeters from your face, but you can eat at an establishment where you sit next to a painting made from a guy's jizz. And it's not just jizz, but it's HIV-infected jizz.
(Paging the health inspector...)
I know, Artprize will be a boon to the businesses downtown, but I'm not a fan. As long as the word "Devos" is attached to ArtPrize, I'll stay out of downtown and keep living my happy, somewhat peaceful life in nearby Kentwood. If I had the money, I'd be going to the Deja Vu in Lansing often since Grand Rapids girls are all bitches. Instead of dating a nice guy like me, they'd rather date losers who beat them up and won't give them a decent life. Sorry, but if that's the case, I'll pay a girl $30 to sit on my lap if I had the money, thank you very much.
The Devos family: forcing Grand Rapids to kiss their rich Hollander asses since 1959.
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