Tuesday, February 14, 2017

2.14.17 Hero of the Day: Playboy

Bee-otch of the Day honors are awarded Monday through Thursday, Bee-otch of the Week is awarded Friday on Chuck69.com.



Name: Playboy Magazine
Age: 64
Occupation: rechristened nudie mag
Last Seen: Beverly Hills, CA
Awarded For: finding the error of their ways

---Up until a few short years ago I was a regular drinker of Monster energy drink.

To me, Monster had a nice taste and it was loaded with vitamins and other things. Most importantly, it kept me awake. Then, I moved to first shift after years of being on second. Because of me now going to bed when the sun was still up at times, getting a perfect seven hours' rest became a pipe dream. Even worse, I developed anxiety problems associated with probably drinking too much caffeine. So, I did something I hated to do, but did it anyway: I kicked caffeine to the curb.

However, not long ago while I was at a convenience store, I was looking at the Monster display and saw that they had a new version of the drink that was caffeine free. The new drink was called Monster Unleaded and I simply had to try it. Not bad! It was nice being reunited with my favorite energy drink and being able to sleep at night.

But then, it disappeared.

I noticed that Monster wasn't selling Unleaded at many stores anymore. I even looked around. WTF?!?! I needed my Monster fix. At one store I visited, I asked the clerk, "what happened to Monster Unleaded?"

The clerk: "Huh?"

Me: "It's Monster, but without the caffeine!"

Clerk: "Monster without caffeine? (chuckles) What's the point?

Needless to say, Monster quietly discontinued Unleaded without a whole lot of fanfare. The reason was indeed simple: what's the point? It's a whole lot like smoking dope without getting high or drinking booze without getting schnockered.

And it's like buying an issue of Playboy without the nekked chicks.

Well, that nightmare came true last year when the men's mag dropped frontal nudity for the first time since it began in 1953. Their excuse was simply because their website, Playboy.com eliminated all nudity from their website and traffic and ad revenue exploded. Now-former CEO Scott Flanders was the mastermind behind the company's decision to eliminate frontal nudity from their flagship, the magazine Hugh Hefner founded. He had a discussion with Hef about eliminating nudes from the magazine and he agreed. Their first non-nude issue hit stands January of last year.

In its heyday, Playboy had over two million readers a month. Most supermarkets and convenience stores didn't mind selling it and other nude mags like Penthouse. However, the sexual revolution Hef started in the 1950s started to wane in the 1980s thanks to the AIDS crisis and the Religious Reich forcing their so-called community values onto businesses, forcing them to stop selling anything with skin in it. There was a slight light at the end of the tunnel in the early 90s thanks to many members of the RR getting caught with their pants down and their wallets in the wrong place. Playboy helped to catapult the careers of major celebs such as Jenny McCarthy and Pamela Anderson.

But then, people found a way to get their hot, naked chicks for free: the internet.

Thanks to ye old World Wide Web, Playboy's circulation fell from two million units 40 years ago to only around 700,000 today. The magazine hasn't made a profit in some time, so Flanders made the decision that if Playboy can go nude-free, they could attract advertisers that have no-nude-mag edicts.

While the media reported that Playboy went nude-free, butts were still welcome and an occasional sideboob and a pube or two. Reportedly, the magazine's circulation hasn't changed and neither has profits, especially since Flanders himself left the company in the middle of last year. So guess who came hopping back to the magazine? Cooper Hefner, Hugh's 25-year-old son.

Cooper was forced out his father's magazine when the no-nude clause was announced because he kept trying to tell Flanders that nudity wasn't the problem, but his ideas went in one ear and out the other. With Flanders leaving the still-struggling Playboy Enterprises, Cooper - whose mother, Kimberley was Playmate of the Year 1989 - is now the company's Chief Content Officer. Starting with next month's issue, full nudity is now welcome again in the pages of Playboy.

According to Coop, he claimed that nudity was never a problem and how it was presented was simply dated. He presented his ideas to the now-former administration, but was kicked out because of it. Now, he's showing that he simply wanted to do the same job that his now-91-year-old father had done for over 60 years. Hef passing the torch to his young, vibrant son was the best move he could have ever made.

As the cover of next month's issue says: "Naked is Normal". AMEN!


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