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Name: The Onion Age: 25 Occupation: satirical tabloid Last Seen: Chicago, IL Bee-otched For: crossing a HUGE line---
Sunday night was a golden night for Quvenzhane Wallis.
Although she didn't win the Best Actress Oscar for the critically-acclaimed, yet little-seen Beasts of the Southern Wild, the nine-year-old actress has proven that she's on her way up in the sometimes tragic world known as Hollywood. After all, the girl who played Hushpuppy in the 16mm hit has been tapped to play the lead role in the re-booting of Little Orphan Annie.
Sadly, she did get one thing no nine-year-old girl should ever get, ever: being called the c-word.
In a tweet during the Oscars, the satirical newspaper The Onion called the up-and-coming Wallis a 'cunt'. After just one hour, the tweet was removed, but the damage was done. Hundreds of Onion fans took to Twitter to bitch out the paper for calling a girl so young that word. Shortly after that post was made, Vice President of Creative Development Scott Dikkers personally apologized to Wallis and her family, although some of the paper's writers denounced the apology.
Ya know, I'll betcha that the paper's writers were drunk during the Oscars and just made piss-poor judgement. But, something like this should NEVER happen. Calling a nine-year-old girl - albeit a talented one - is even worse than Rush Limbaugh calling a female law student a slut. If I were The Onion, I would be firing that jerk who made that tweet.
And some thought Seth MacFarlane's hosting was classless.
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Name: Gabourey Sidibe Age: 29 Occupation: occasional actress Last Seen: ?? Bee-otched For: proof that she's a one-hit-movie wonder--- The Oscars came and went.
Argo won Best Picture while Life of Pi was the winner of the most statues. Despite some criticisms over some of his envelope-pushing jokes, Seth MacFarlane won over the crowd and sang about boobs. Songs were sang and Jennifer Lawrence tripped into our hearts.
But, one question came to my mind is this: Whatever happened to Gibby Sidibe?
You know, Precious?
I remember that fateful day in 2009 when I saw the preview for that movie at the theater, wondering if The Notorious B.I.G. came back to life with a wig on. In my life, it was the most-disgusting movie preview I've ever seen. It made me happy that I wasn't eating popcorn or drinking anything or else I would have puked all over the floor.
And come to think of I, I think I avoided Arby's for a long, long time, too.
Even though Gabby was nominated for an Oscar for her role, she lost to Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side. Many felt that Sidibe's performance was great, but there's one small problem: image.
You See, Gabby is a big, fat black woman. Name a lot of movies and TV shows that have fat black women. Thought so. Since Precious, Gabby's screen presence has been limited to a few small roles in films such as Tower Heist and Seven Psychopaths. She also hosted SNL (horribly since she was always out of breath) and even appeared in Foster the People's "Don't Cha Stop" video.
She's also a regular on the Showtime series The C Word, but who watches that?
Point is, Gabby Sidibe has proven that black women the size of a freight truck won't make it far in Hollywood. If The C Word gets canned, what will she do? Honestly, she needs to lose weight. A LOT OF IT. Nobody wants to spend $10 to go see a movie starring a morbidly obese black woman, and that's the truth! I know, there's the recent scandal between Rex Reed and Melissa McCarthy, but she's a different story. She's actually pretty funny and didn't have to have Oprah be her wing woman. Plus, she didn't have a career like MC Hammer: have their first major album sell 20 million copies and then end up with no fans at all.
Take it from me: I once weighed 240 lbs. at 5'6". But I started working out, working a physical job and eating healthier. I'm now down to 180. Plus, I see the doctor regularly. It doesn't hurt! I think if Gabby loses weight, she'll be more-accepted by Hollywood and her peers. As somebody who once dated a chubby girl, I'll never do it again.
But for now, I'm not really thinking Arby's....
----
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Name: Clear Channel Age: 41 Occupation: radio giant Last Seen: San Antonio, TX Bee-otched For: polishing a turd in Grand Rapids--- The Fox has been put to rest.
After 13 years and unimpressive ratings, the Clear Channel-owned classic rock station was laid to rest Friday afternoon at noon. Its final tune was an edited version of "The Final Countdown" by Europe with liners stating that The Fox will die in X minutes. Other songs played before its demise included Greg Kihn Band's "The Breakup Song" and appropriately, REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It".
After the Europe tune ended, 101.3 The Fox gave way to.... Another classic rock station. It's now 101-3 The Brew. Same playlist, but different jocks. Its first song was "Enter Sandman" by Metallica. The station claims to play "the next generation of classic rock" and even jabs rival classic rocker 96.9 WLAV for being "old".
But yet, The Brew plays a lot of the same crap LAV plays, such as Journey, Styx and REO Speedwagon.
Part of the reason for the big change is because Grand Rapids is "Beer City USA". It's the home to a few craft breweries such as Founder's, Schmohz and a few others. It's even the home to a large Brew Festival, which was held last weekend. Come downtown, and you'll be greeted by bars that don't serve the usual Bud, Miller and Coors, but rather Founder's, Bell's and Short's.
I find it laughable that Grand Rapids is nicknamed "Beer City USA", yet it's northern Michigan that has more microbrews than that of west Michigan.
What's even more laughable is the fact that Clear Channel is capitalizing on the fact that Grand Rapids loves their micros, but their music screams white trash.
OK, so Puddin' is back as the morning man at The Brew, but that don't mean shit. In the end, WGRD will remain the top rocker of west Michigan, and they avoid meth-friendly rock. Yeah, I kinda cringe at the fact that they're called "Grand Rapids' Rock Alternative" and they're not alternative anymore! Hell, towards the end, Radio X 9-6-1 started to gain momentum but Cheap Channel killed it for Sports.
If CC had a brain, they should have made 101.3 alternative of some kind. I know that alternative has gotten very indie and folksy as of late, but I'd rather sit through Muse over having to sit through Foreigner's "Double Vision" for the 24,632nd time. Then again, they brought back shit rock to Detroit's 106.7 and even that station's bombing. Sorry, but when you're $20 billion in the hole, that's what you get: unoriginal ideas with a fresh coat of paint on it.
But why should I bitch? I have Sirius.
----
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Name: Rick Snyder Age: 54 Occupation: dictator wannabe Last Seen: Ann Arbor, MI Bee-otched For: wanting to take over Detroit ---
Ladies and gents, Hitler is alive and well.
Better yet, he's been reincarnated into a man named Rick Snyder.
The not-so-great governor of the great state of Michigan might be thisclose to taking over the state's biggest city, Detroit. The city is in so deep financially that now, they're asking the state for help, and Snyder's answer could be ultimately summed up in two words: Emergency Manager.
Bear in mind that several Michigan towns big and small now have emergency managers due to poor managing of finances. In Detroit's case, the city's been hurting for years, partly due to the demise of the automobile industry. Of course, Detroit once boasted over two million residents, but now, that's down to just a hair over 700,000.
Yeah, many on the right cry that Detroit needs a conservative white mayor. Its last white mayor was Roman Gribbs (D; 1970-1974) and its last Republican was Louis Miriani (1957-1962), who, by the way, spent 10 months in jail for tax evasion. But with an 82% black population, a white mayor would be a nightmare for the Motor City.
Moral of the story regarding white mayors like Miriani and blacks like Kwame Kilpatrick, no matter the race, Detroit is a city that's been run by thugs of all neutral colors for years. But, will a Snyder-run city be a great idea?
Just imagine, if Snyder takes over Detroit, things can only get worse. Could he be thinking about FORCING Detroit to have a white leader? Talk about not sitting well with the majority of the city's population. True, I think when he took over Benton Harbor, he had a black guy be that city's EM. But this is Detroit we're talking about; a town with rotting buildings, tons of poor people, but a lot of nightlife downtown.
Look at Dennis Archer. As mayor, he built two new stadiums and casinos. But its mayors since haven't done much except that Kwame screwed people over. Sadly, current mayor Dave Bing inherited the messes of past mayors and despite his businessman past, even he couldn't fix it.
Will Detroit survive? God only knows. All I know is that IMO, if you don't like Detroit, don't visit it and don't live there. Hell, there's towns in northern Michigan that remind me of Detroit, namely Mancelona. Where's that town's EM? Lots of poor people, rotting buildings and a lack of jobs. Detroit should do more to make themselves an attractive city to all people of all races, but only if they want to.
But having Whitey run the show shouldn't be its only choice. ----
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Name: various Age: various Occupation: television talk show hosts Last Seen: Hollywood, New York, et. al. Bee-otched For: wanting to be just like Oprah... and bombing at it ---
Two years ago, a cloud of joy was passed onto millions of men all around the world.
And the raindrops that came out of that cloud was the fact that Oprah Winfrey canceled her long-running talk show to focus on her struggling OWN Network.
Of course, like The Sorcerer's Apprentice, when the broom breaks, a ton of mini-brooms take over and do the job.
Since Oprah's disappearance from the world of over-the-air television, the shows that spun off from her program - Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil and The Doctors - are alive and well, plus Rachael Ray, which is produced by her Harpo Productions. But the many Oprah clones that yenta up the airwaves are becoming a different story.
In the past few weeks, three such shows - Anderson Cooper, Jeff Probst and the newly-revamped Ricki Lake - have been canned due to poor ratings. All three talkers tried to do what Ms. Winfrey tried to do, but did it poorly.
Yeah, there's some Oprah clones that do OK, but those are all Harpo's babies. Truth is, guess which shows have been renewed to 2016? Maury, Jerry Springer and Steve Wilkos. As a matter of fact, Wilkos has better numbers than Katie Couric, and she's getting paid $40 million to do her abortion of a program.
Sadly, the three shows - all owned by NBC Universal - are shunned by big three network stations, but in the case of the lowest-rated of the three, Wilkos, the ex-Springer sidekick has better ratings than that of Katie's, and that's the female demo we're talking about!
Being originally from northern Michigan, I laugh at the fact that my ex-local ABC station, 29&8 ran ads in newspapers promoting "The Women of 29&8". The ads remind me of the crap that airs on my now-local ABC, WOTV 41, aka "WOTV 4 Women". The station's 6:30 p.m. newscast was even geared towards women, but even that got canned only after a few months with a more mainstream newscast. I also find it laughable that none of the local stations up north carry Maury or Springer, yet they air all of the canceled crap from this past year's season.
I think people want variety during the day. Remember, there's MEN who get off work at 3 p.m. and they don't want to watch Ellen chat with those two tone-deaf girls that butcher already-crappy pop tunes. They also don't want to watch Ricki Lake talk about women's fashion or Katie Couric do a show Oprah did years ago. They want to know who the babydaddy is, and so do a lot of women, too.
In happier news, I heard that Hoda and Kathie Lee might be breaking up. Please God, do your work. ----
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Name: Rick Snyder Age: 54 Occupation: village idiot Last Seen: Ann Arbor, MI Bee-otched For: not wanting his people to make money ---
Sometimes, I wish that 2010 was nothing but one big, bad dream.
But, it had to happen.
Even though Michigan's a blue state, the evil Tea Party bug ate through Michigan all because it was cool to hate Obama for not making changes fast enough. So, we ended up with a failed businessman, Rick Snyder as our governor.
Since taking over the State of Michigan, Snyder fired elected leaders in many towns like Benton Harbor to run things the way he wanted to run them. Oh, and there's that thing where he decided to start killing off unions by making this state a Right to Work state. Plus, he wants to raise gas taxes to 33 cents per gallon, even though as-is, Michigan has some of the highest gas prices in the country.
Now, Snyder is once again fighting the middle class by wanting to make sure that Michiganders won't ever see a raise.
Right now, a Michigan Senator, Burt Johnson (D-Detroit) is proposing raising Michigan's minimum wage to $10 per hour. Right now, the state minimum is $7.40, higher than the federal wage of $7.25. President Obama proposed raising the federal minimum wage to $9 per hour during his State of the Union address on Tuesday.
According to Snyder, people would be losing their jobs if the state wage is increased. Basically, employers - mostly those who own smaller businesses - would be forced to fire people or shut down due to the wage increase.
However, millions of Americans need more money. I remember during the Clinton years, the minimum wage went up several times. But under Dubya, it only increased once. Over the years, the minimum wage has only gone up a few times while CEO salary has gone up way too much. If the minimum wage kept up with CEO pay, it would be $23 per hour, but then again, that information's five years old.
Look folks, I haven't had a raise in years, and neither has any of my co-workers. One even lost her house because her husband ended up blind and diabetic and unable to work. Part of the reason is because my ex-boss was a drunk loser who only saw dollar signs and not the true value in people. Same goes with most bosses and CEOs these days. Yeah, there are a few CEOs with brains, like the one who runs Costco who only makes $500,000 per year and his employees make $17 per hour, but it seems that as long as the bosses pay less in taxes than the rest of us, the power struggle will always be won by them.
This is why I love the Democrats. They care about the middle class while Rick Snyder thinks about his rich buddies. Personally, 2014 can't come soon enough. As long as he comes up with excuses to not help us, the more I think about a good Democrat that can take his place. We need the minimum wage to go up. WAY UP. Want people to move up in life? There you go.
Nerds sure aren't good with money. ----
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------------------ A SPECIAL HERO OF THE DAY!
Name: unknown Age: ?? Occupation: ?? Last Seen: ?? Awarded For: unsuccessfully bringing out the dead
---
In his 49 years on this Earth, Steve Wilkos has worn many hats.
He was a Marine, Chicago police officer, Jerry Springer security guard, bouncer and wrestler. Now, he's the host of his own popular television talk show, which he's hosted for six years.
But now, many of his fans are wondering if he can add one more occupation to his resume: Professional Zombie Hunter.
I could see it now, a video game called Steve Wilkos: Zombie Apocalypse. During a taping of his show, Steve talks to a man suspected of beating his wife. He takes a lie detector test, and it's time for Wilkos to read the results. He turns to his wife, executive producer Rachelle Consiglio-Wilkos, only to see that at her lectern, she's lying in the arms of a zombie! The audience gasps in horror and the zombie escapes out of the studio, kidnapping Rachelle as she screams in terror. Now, Steve has to go find his wife and destroy the zombies wreaking havoc on his family and the rest of the world with his trusty chair.
OK, so I'm dreaming, but when The Steve Wilkos Show gets interrupted with news of an impending zombie attack, it creates for some comedy gold.
Earlier this week, several TV stations including two here in Michigan - Marquette's WBUP ABC 10 and PBS station WNMU 13 - got hacked with a fake Emergency Alert System warning telling viewers that zombies have escaped from the ground and to not go near them. The message also stated for viewers to tune in to AM 920 for updates, which in the western UP is WMPL 920 out of Hancock.
The same message aired on the .2 subchannel of Great Falls, MT CBS station KRTV 3, which airs the national feed of The CW, which airs Wilkos twice a day. Since many joke about Steve's occasional on-camera anger and style that makes Dr. Phil look like a pussy, I think many will do their best to link the infamous hotheaded Cubs fan to the living dead.
I know, I know, the EAS is only to be used for emergencies only. But, people need to lighten up once in a while. When was the last time Great Falls was hit by a flood? How about tornadoes in the UP? Point is, some people need to get a sense of humor. Yeah, the FCC's looking into all this, and chances are that the hackers will probably end up in the slammer, but all for a good laugh.
Maybe the hackers should get the chair, as in being guests on Wilkos and having him toss a chair or two at them.
----
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Name: Steve Stockman Age: 56 Occupation: Republican US Representative from Texas Last Seen: Washington, DC Bee-otched For: inviting a madman to the State of the Union--- Ed.'s note: this article was written before last night's State of the Union speech.
Some things in life just seem to be beyond inappropriate.
Just two months after the tragic school shootings in Newtown, CT, the gun debate keeps on chugging along. It was expected that President Obama was going to talk about gun control in last night's speech.
And guess who was there to watch it? None other than one of his biggest critics: rock legend Ted Nugent.
The reason for Nuge coming to the speech was because he was invited by Texas congressman Steve Stockman, who represents the state's 36th district. Like Ted, Stockman hails from the Detroit area - Bloomfield Hills to be exact - but in recent years found greener pastures in the Lone Star State. In the 2000's, Nugent moved to Crawford, TX, the home of former president George W. Bush.
Unlike most of America these days, Ted Nugent is an avid gun rights advocate and a critic of Obama's and the Democratic Party. Needless to say, he's fighting mad to make sure that the president doesn't take away our guns, especially those that can kill dozens with one squeeze of the trigger.
Although the "Fred Bear" singer claims that he'll be respectful for Obama and his address, It was also last year that he claimed that if Obama was re-elected, that he would be "dead or in jail" by this time last year. His statement brought some attention from the Secret Service, who ended up investigating the rock star.
Personally, if I were the Secret Service, I would ban Nugent from being miles from the president. Shame on Rep. Stockman for even THINKING about allowing this weirdo near our president. I wouldn't trust him with a 100-yard pole. I know, Ted's got an opinion and a right to it, but if he's sounding like he wants to kill the president, than yes, lock him up.
Maybe by the time you read this, he will be locked up. ----
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Name: Saturday Night Live Age: 38 Occupation: variety show Last Seen: New York, NY Bee-otched For: losing with Bieber--- Dear Saturday Night Live,
WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!
Last Saturday, the iconic variety show not only had Justin Bieber as its guest musical act, but also its host as well.
Now, I didn't get a chance to see the whole show. Normally, I watch SNL - bad host or not - but after chugging down a Vern Ehlers (a concoction made from Vernor's Ginger Ale with a shot of Jameson Whiskey made famous at the Meanwhile Bar here in Grand Rapids), plus working over 50 hours last week, sleepytime was a smidgeon more important than watching somebody who'll probably become the next Leif Garrett sing and act his little Canadian heart out.
However, I was able to watch one sketch, and it was the last sketch of the night where Jay Pharoh reprised his role as the school principal who makes weird noises with the microphone. In the sketch, Biebs plays a teen who promotes abstinence, which he really promotes because he was raised by a single mother in poverty. The fact that there were screaming teenage girls in the audience made the show painfully unbearable.
Many reviewers of Bieber's performance called him dreadful. Many even boycotted the show last Saturday because of him being on. Some even took to the social medias and comments included "he was a lame host", "I didn't want to throw up for an hour and a half" and "glad I missed it".
I remember in the late 70's when disco was king, SNL HARDLY had disco acts. Christ, they were thisclose to even having the Sex Pistols perform! Now, they don't give two shits what their artists perform. Hell, remember the Lana Del Rey fiasco? Many called her the worst musical guest in show history. Then again, I prefer a woman who sings "my pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola" over some douchebag who looks and acts like a perceptual 12-year-old.
Thankfully, SNL will redeem itself next week with Oscar winner Christoph Waltz hosting and Alabama Shakes as the musical guest.
And it better. Bieber as host and musical guest brought in 4% fewer viewers than the week before when another douchebag, Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine and unknown rapper Kendrick Lamar hosted and musical guested respectively.
Normally, SNL is a decent show. Yeah, all their great female stars have all left to bigger and better things, but it still has potential. Throwing on Justin Bieber as host is the equal to creating a car accident. If the show's ratings were great, it'll be like being a witness to one. It's not nice, but it's tough to not watch.
Thankfully to me, a stiff drink named for a moderate Republican state representative and working my ass off prevented me from being a witness to one.
----
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Name: Rick Snyder Age: 54 Occupation: failed CEO Last Seen: Lansing, MI Bee-otched For: screwing over the middle class... again---
The nerd's doing it again.
Our beloved governor, Rick Snyder is trying to save his position, and he did so by having a town hall meeting last Thursday at WOOD-TV 8 here in Grand Rapids.
The program, which aired live on the NBC station had a small audience ask the governor some tough questions. One of them was likely the one where why he flip-flopped on the Right to Work issue. During last year's town hall, Snyder said that he wasn't interested in the issue, but months later, the bill was on his desk and it was signed into law. However, the courts are trying to decide the Constitutionality of the law, which is expected to go into effect this Spring.
But one thing that has definitely angered Michiganders of all sides is the fact that Snyder is proposing raising gas taxes here in this state from 18 cents to 33 cents per gallon. He claims that it will raise over a billion dollars to fix this state's long-ailing roads, but'cha know, it will hurt everybody in the pocketbook.
When I was a kid growing up, I lived in rural northern Michigan. At one point, my mother worked in Traverse City, which was a 60-mile round trip daily. Thankfully, this was 20 years ago, back when gas prices were only a buck per gallon. If this were the same scenario today, she would wonder if working in the big city would be right for her, or to find a job closer to home, and bear in mind that there wasn't much were we lived back in the day.
Thing is, Snyder doesn't care about hard-working Michiganders who bust their asses off and are lucky to break even. He's just kissing billionaire ass, plain and simple. He's only in office because the previous governor, Jennifer Granholm wasn't all that popular because of people not realizing the negative effect Bush's policies had on this state. If Virg Bernero were Michigan's governor, I think what he would have done is the best solution to boost this state's economy: TAX THE RICH.
Remember, this state - especially Grand Rapids - is LOADED with 1%-ers. Devos, Meijer, they're all billionaires. How about if we took money from their overstuffed pockets to fix the roads? Better than it coming from mine!
But don't look at me. I didn't vote for him.
----
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------------------
sh
Name: corporate radio Age: 93 Occupation: owners of too many radio stations Last Seen: everywhere Bee-otched For: entertaining the wrong people---
Today is a happy day in Alabama.
The little six-year-old boy known only as "Ethan" is on the fast road to recovery after he was rescued by FBI agents from a kidnapper. The man, Jimmy Lee Dykes, 65, was shot and killed by the agents after he kidnapped the young boy from a school bus and hid him in a spider hole he built in Midland City.
The ordeal began last week when Dykes ran onto a school bus and demanded the driver hand over two boys, aged between six and eight years old. The driver, Charles Pohland, 66 put himself between the deranged redneck and his kids. Dykes shot and killed Pohland and stole Ethan from the bus. He took the boy into his bunker, which had electricity and supplies. Authorities communicated with the boy through a ventilation pipe; they sent him his prescription medicine, plus snacks and even a red Hot Wheels car.
However, the FBI was called in and ended the abduction by killing Dykes and sending Ethan to a nearby hospital. He just turned six, and had a nice birthday party with family and friends at the hospital.
As for Dykes, he was as much of a wacko as much as possible. He was scheduled in court that day for shooting a gun to scare a neighbor. He's also been caught killing a dog and would even sit on his porch all night armed with a flashlight and a shotgun. He does have a daughter, but lost contact with her years ago. Otherwise he's a loner.
Oh, and Dykes LOVED right-winged conservative talk radio. According to some who knew him, that's all he ever listened to.
According to Radio-Locator.com, there's only one major news-talk station serving Midland City with a clear signal, and that's WDBT 93.7, which airs Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and other idiots. Advertisers, this is the audience you're aiming towards when you advertise on these shows: wackjobs with guns who hate the gub'ment to the point that they kidnap young kids for no good reason.
It sucks that shows like Thom Hartmann, Ed Schultz, Stephanie Miller and Mike Malloy are only on a small handful of stations while Rush and his kinfolk are on a several hundred. What's even more laughable is that shows like Rush's are now so expensive to carry that many talk stations are now trying to air cheaper shows in other dayparts to make up for lost costs. What's even sadder is that companies like Clear Channel - who own Rush, Hannity, Beck and others - "invested" in liberal talk radio by putting their shows on some of their weak stations only to yank them off the air due to "poor ratings". Even worse, look at what happened to their former progressive talk station in Detroit.
Folks, this is one reason why I don't like corporate radio: their listeners are assholes. Why listen to content aimed at the wrong people when there's Sirius, Pandora, Slacker and others? Yeah, I know. Not all of Limbaugh's fans have spider holes, kidnap little boys and hate the gub'ment. But, I'll betcha that many of his fans are close to being fringe wackos. I hope Mr. Dykes rots in hell for what he did to that kid. He's going to be scarred for life for what happened. But, the only thing he can do is move on.
Maybe we oughta throw all the right-winged blabbermouths into a hole, and bury them alive.
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