Wednesday, January 8, 2014

1.8.14 Bee-otch of the Day: space heaters (and the idiots who own them)

Bee-otch of the Day honors are awarded Monday through Thursday, Bee-otch of the Week is awarded Friday on



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Name: space heaters (and the idiots who own them)
Age: ??
Occupation: heaters of small spaces
Last Seen: everywhere
Bee-otched For: burning down the house


Ladies and gents, I'm not scared to say this:

Winter sucks.

In the 11 1/2 years I've lived here in Grand Rapids, I've never seen it this cold. On Monday and Tuesday, it didn't even get out of the single digits for the high temperature. At times, it was in the negative territory. It was so cold that schools and businesses closed and idiots who don't know space heaters that well used them and lost their homes.

Last month, a bikini club in Stanwood - near Big Rapids - called The Gentleman 131 burned to the ground. The cause? Yep, a space heater. Last week, Grand Rapids even faced a massive loss when a third of the skybox building facing first base at Fifth Third Ballpark burned. The cause? A maintenance crew using a space heater to warm up a room. It was in the negative temps that day as well, and the fire department had to use 1,000-foot hoses to extinguish the blaze, which has put a damper on the West Michigan Whitecaps' upcoming season. Thankfully, the team's owners have all proclaimed that it will be open come opening day.

When I was a young boy of seven, my family and I went to Arizona for Christmas. We came back, and our furnace had stopped running. So, instead of ponying up the cash to fix the old one or buy a new one, Dad decided to use the woodstove instead to heat the home. Problem was, the stove was on the right side of the house while our bedrooms were on the left. So, when I was about 10, my parents got me a space heater for Christmas. However, I became afraid to use it one day because I turned it on, and half of my room lost electricity. Being the young dude who watched Rescue 911 all the time and always afraid that the house would burn down, I sure wasn't going to use that thing anymore.

Thankfully, my apartment has heat, and it's not from wood. Because it is small, there's no need for a space heater. However, there's people who think that space heaters are the savior of cold weather, but they're too damn careless to use them. Now, because of carelessness, Grand Rapids is without 1/3 of their baseball stadium and college girls in Big Rapids have to wear their bikinis elsewhere.

Simple, simple, simple. If you have a space heater, have nothing near it. Also, if it starts to short, it's no longer usable. Point is, if you use a space heater, don't use it. Instead, maybe wear more clothes or get a better heater. But, please, the fire department doesn't want to work in sub-zero temps.

After all, some of them are working lots of overtime.

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