Wednesday, August 27, 2014

8.24.14 Bee-otch of the Day: MTV

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Name: MTV
Age: 33
Occupation: crap cable channel
Last Seen: New York, NY
Bee-otched For: not knowing what the hell rock music is

Once upon a time, there was a cable channel that played music videos. It was called "MTV" or "Music Television".

It was basically an album-oriented rock station aimed at males 18-34... on your TV! It was so popular that cable customers that didn't have it would lovingly call their providers with the statement, "I WANT MY MTV!" MTV played music videos and nothing but, 24 hours a day, seven days per week, 365 days per year. The station's personalities, Martha Quinn, Alan Hunter, Nina Blackwood, Marc Goodman and JJ Jackson all became household names and helped the fledgling young network reach new heights in the 80's.

Of course, rock evolved in the 1980's with hair metal acts such as Motley Crue, Poison, Cinderella and Twisted Sister taking center stage. And yes, MTV was there. That led to the 1990's grunge era with Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains proving that you don't have to dress like a chick to rock. MTV was also there when nu metal took over in the late 90's and so on.

But, you guessed it: MTV and music videos now go together like oil and water. Gone are the days of 120 Minutes and Headbanger's Ball; instead, we get dumbassed bullshit aimed towards little girls living off daddy's trust fund. Yet, MTV still has a yearly music video awards show.

Last Sunday, MTV's Video Music Awards were held at the legendary Forum without any major controversy. There was no twerking, no serious wardrobe malfunctions or anything like that. But for us rock fans, MTV decided to give us rock fans a slap in the face.

Nominees for the Best Rock Video Award included Arctic Monkeys' sexy "Do I Wanna Know?", Imagine Dragons' mega-hit "Radioactive", The Black Keys' hilarious "Fever" and the legendary Linkin Park with "Until It's Gone".

However, the Moonman ended up in the hands of a woman who knows how to grind a guitar and kick some ass, and that's 17-year-old New Zealand goth wannabe Lorde.

And yes, I said it with sarcasm.

Here's the video for that tune, if you've never heard it:

Now, I'll betcha some of you are guessing, "is this rock?" According to MTV and her label, Universal, yes. All "Royals" is composed of is a synthesized drum track with Lorde singing a ca pella. The video itself is kinda boring, too.

Look, I'm not bashing Lorde. Christ, I wouldn't mind banging her-

Oh, never mind.

Hell, I find "Royals" catchy and fun to listen to, BUT NEWSFLASH! IT'S. NOT. ROCK. 'N. ROLL.

I think it's pathetic when labels and media all call horseshit rock 'n roll. A few years ago, it was folk shit like Mumford and Sons and Of Monsters and Men. Granted, the alternative scene has improved somewhat since, but I think it's sad that hard rock bands are having a tougher time these days getting a hit all because everything's all indie these days. Labels and stations are afraid of anything edgy. But yet, they're not afraid to play a tune from a 17-year-old chick who is more sophisti-pop than rock.

Oh, well, MTV lost me - and just about anybody over the age of 20 - years ago. Hell, I cut the cord several years ago and I ain't lookin' back. Let them morph the minds of morons everywhere. Maybe next year, they'll hand the VMA for best Male Video to Lady Gaga.

eMpTV: music video-free since 1986.


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