Monday, January 9, 2012

1.9.12 Bee-otch of the Day: The City of Grand Rapids


Name: Grand Rapids
Age: 186
Occupation: second-largest city in Michigan
Last Seen: in the middle of Kent County
Bee-otched For: giving us a shitty new years


On the night of December 31, 2011, I had to take drastic measures.

It was New Years Eve, and I had nowhere to go, and I sure as hell didn't want to ring in the new year forced to sit through Ryan Seacrest, Cee-Lo Green fucking up "Imagine", Justin Bieber ruining "Let it Be" or even a post-stroke Dick Clark (whose soundbytes are played every time Stern gets back from holiday vacation).

Of course, I had other options. One was going downtown, struggling to find a parking spot and stand in 30-degree temps listening to shitty 80's music from The Romantics (and yes, they're still together; as a matter of fact, three out of the four members when "Talking In Your Sleep" was riding high on the charts are still with the band). IMHO, The Romantics wouldn't be so bad if the aforementioned tune and "What I Like About You" wasn't played every three seconds on any radio station in America.

Oh, and let's not forget: the concert was brought to you by Cumulus Broadcasting. True, it ain't Citadel no more, Cumulus is almost just as bad. However, The Romantics is a step up from the emo crap they had in recent years.

And aw, yes, there's the bars. Ya know, I'm 30 years old. Do I want to go into a place where nobody knows my name and most of the people are assholes? Been there, done that. I've noticed in recent years that most girls in Grand Rapids, PERIOD are total ignorant bitches. Case in point: several months ago, I went to Stella's downtown. I sat next to a huge group of chicks, and I saw one of them holding a switchblade. The girl told me "quit eavesdropping on me!" and that was the end. Every time I go there, it's the same 'ol shit: the girls are ignorant bitches. However, the last time I went there, it was after the Five Finger Death Punch concert, and I ordered a burger and beer. Sadly, some dude sat next to me and stared at me the whole time. Personally, I think he was gay.

I know, there's other bars in town, and it's the same 'ol: ignorant assholes and bitches who either a) girls who want nothing to do with you or b) some gay dude who wants to be more than "friends".

Oh, yes, there was the infamous "Eddie" incident. Because of that sick fuck, I no longer go to either Mulligan's or Billy's.

But let's face it: I'm sick of Grand Rapids' night life. I'm tired of wasting my money on overpriced drinks and just being looked at as that lonely guy at the corner of the bar. I'm tired of rude bartenders who scream at me when I just want to stick around and sober up. Worst of all, I'm tired of being cock blocked.

So, I spent my New Years in Lansing.

Yep! I made the almost-120-mile round trip to Lansing to do something that I haven't done in a year: go to Deja Vu. With the nudity ban in Kalamazoo in full force, I figured that the Vu in Lansing would equal out in distance. My entrance fee was only $10 for door and drink, but I still spent a ton of dough on the best lap dances I ever had in my life. I kept wondering why I went to the Kalamazoo Vus instead of this one. Most of the girls in Lansing weren't a bunch of old, saggy broads like the ones in K'zoo had become (after all, we're talking about Spartan Country) and most importantly, I got to see vagina.

Yeah, the club had its problems. One of the girls who sat and talked to me killed my boner with the words "I have a one-year-old at home". I forgot her name, but she's the one who usually goes bottomless first because she has mommy boobs. However, the most-major incident was when I got a 3-for-$30 (it ended up becoming $40 so I could touch her tits and ass) and the girl who lapped me almost stole $15 from me as part of the change I got back from me buying her a drink. Nonetheless, I definitely had more fun at the Vu in Lansing over being at some unfriendly bar in Easttown.

But that's Grand Rapids 4 ya. I've lived here for almost 10 years and I'm sick. This town has only gotten worse in 10 years in regards to jobs and people. There are jobs, but usually, the only way to get them is to become a temp first or be close to running out of unemployment. Like I said, there's a bar on every corner in town, but you've read my story. Yes, GR USED to have strip clubs, but thanks to right-winged lies, they're downgraded to bland bikini clubs.

Oh, and I'm starting to see more bums begging me for a ride nowadays. Not gonna happen.

If I had money, I'd move somewhere else. It's sad thinking that the closest friends I have here in town are my aunt and cousin, plus a slightly-older Ethiopian woman who barely speaks English. That's all. This is a metropolitan area of 1.3 million people and it seems that nobody has a heart. It explains why I now spend my Saturday nights alone and bored.

Congrats, Grand Rapids. Your people couldn't be more cold.

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