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Names: Fred, Charles, David and William Koch
Ages: 79, 77 and 72 (twins), respectively
Last Seen: Wichita, KS
Bee-otched For: creating a huge stink
This election year, we're going to see a ton of bad commercials on TV.
And sadly, many of those ads are going to come from the Koch brothers.
Yes, the Koch brothers, the mega billionaires who use their funds to fund Tea Party pricks and even run libelous ads against President Obama. They're behind the organization Americans For Prosperity, which tell Americans lies about the president. Of course, the Kochs are notorious polluters, since they've made their billions off of many well-known companies and brands such as Georgia Pacific, Brawny paper towels, Dixie cups and Stainmaster carpets. Koch Industries also owns oil pipelines, refineries, mines and forest land. They've worked tooth and nail with politicians - mainly Republicans - to help develop strategies to further destruct Mother Earth.
But now, the Kochs are giving us one of the most-disgusting ads to ever air on television. Even though it doesn't spread lies about Obama, it's gross and leaves bad and nasty things to the imagination.
Those ads I'm talking about are the ones for their owned and operated toilet paper brand Quilted Northern.
The two commercials in circulation show a bunch of women - all looking at least 40 years old and older - talking about "the importance of clean". Most of the women in these ads aren't all that attractive; as a matter of fact, I think the Kochs intentionally made them all look - and act - like housewives to attract that upper demo of women they only seem to care about.
In the ads, some of the women do stand out, especially two Asian women in two separate ads. One says "it's time to talk about clean" and the other proclaims "I like to be clean... And pampered!"
Now, you know what toilet paper's used for, right?
Talking about a woman taking a dump is, well, a very sensitive subject, and since women spend more time on the pot than us men, they have more chances to squeeze a few logs out. But the point is, us men want our ladies to smell nice, especially down there. But when old age and saggieness settle in - and throw in having a kid or two or three or more - the thought of an older woman on the pot is, well, kinda sick to the mind of yours truly (who turns 31 this Saturday).
In all honesty, this is why I like Cottonelle's current "Where the Sun Doesn't Shine" ads - and the toilet paper itself - better. The ads raise awareness of their wet wipes, which are WAY more sanitary than dry toilet paper itself. With its ridges, I think Cottonelle does a better job getting the turds from your sphincter than TP with stupid designs on them. Personally, I'd rather see a young teenage girl say "it's the freshy fresh" over some old skank who's the same age as my mother talking about wiping her ass.
Oh, and the Charmin bears? They can eat shit and die, too.
Don't forget ladies, if you wipe front to back, you'll have a nice and sexy crack. But if you wipe back to front, you'll have dingleberries shoved up your cunt.
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