Thursday, July 9, 2015

7.9.15 Bee-otch of the Day: Grand Rapids

Bee-otch of the Day honors are awarded Monday through Thursday, Bee-otch of the Week is awarded Friday on



Name: Grand Rapids
Age: 189
Occupation: second-largest city in Michigan
Last Seen: southwest Michigan

Bee-otched For: still not knowing where their priorities are
It will be one year ago Monday that my one and only true girlfriend and I broke up.

As the old saying goes, "one door slams and another one opens." Well, in that one year, I've only had one date. ONE. FUCKING. DATE. Turns out that the girl whom I hooked up with couldn't even drive because she was busted for drunk driving. The fact that she had short hair didn't turn me on, either.

Being celibate not by choice can be tragic to any 34-year-old male. I'm on FIVE different dating sites and I'm lucky to get one match per week. I've even started going to church and what few young women who go there don't talk to me. Part of the problem is that there's more single men in the Grand Rapids area than women. And what women there are here in GR tend to have an attitude problem.

Of course, there's that part of me that wishes that I could simply start going back to the strip clubs again. I used to frequent Deja Vu in Kalamazoo, but that club started featuring more skanks and with me being involved in an auto accident, I could no longer go there. I do like their Lansing location, but gas money for me is an issue.

It just makes me wish that the fucking strip club ordinance was never passed.

Last week, the owner of Showgirls Galleria, Mark London sold the property to a group that will demolish it and build condos over it. Showgirls was originally a two-in-one club with one club topless and serving alcohol and the other totally nude with no alcohol to adhere to the state's nudity laws. However, in 2006, community organizer Judy Rose and her minions raised $80,000 from an anonymous donor *COUGHDEVOSCOUGH* to pressure the city to ban nude dancing outright. Sadly, Judy and Co. won and despite London and other strip club owners taking the city to higher courts, they all lost.

Most of the clubs in GR simply became bikini clubs but business stalled. London put Showgirls up for sale and had been trying to sell the property for years. Since the strip club ordinance was passed, all but two clubs - Parkway Tropics and London's other club, Sensations - closed down. All because of an old lady in a bad neighborhood who unsuccessfully linked strip clubs to crime, even though the city's crime rate has risen since the ordinance was passed. I'll betcha that the amount of rapes have gone up since Ms. Rose's little law was put into effect.

What's tragic is that the club will be torn down for expensive condos to help promote the arena district. Of course, the flagship team that plays at Van Andel Arena are the Grand Rapids Griffins hockey team, owned by *drumroll please* the DeVos family, who *allegedly* helped to pay for Rose's strip club ban. It's sad that the DeVoses (and Van Andels, too) own more than half the town through their little pyramid scheme known as Amway. They even own a huge chunk of the car dealerships through their Fox Motors banner; they just recently bought out Seif Chevrolet in Caledonia. As a Chevy owner, I can now only trust Kool Chevrolet on Plainfield to work on my car (don't get me started on the cocksuckers at Berger and the many times they've ripped me off).

Folks, the lack of good women in GR and the lunacy of the Christian Reformed Dutch assholes are making me want to Detroit more and more. This is the second-largest city in Michigan and I can't even get laid. True, I can go to a strip-er, bikini club, but come on! This is Summer! I could simply just go to the pool and call it good.

I guess my only solution is to simply boycott anything the DeVoses are involved in. I don't go to Griffin games, I don't buy cars from Fox Motors, and so on. The only thing worth being happy about is that I've found a church that's left-leaning, doesn't beg for money every two seconds and has nice people. Oh, and on Sunday, they performed their first gay marriage.

Take that, CRC.

Got a Bee-otch to nominate? E-mail us @ All suggestions (except for me) are welcome!

Bee-otch of the Day Archives can be seen on!

Bee-otch of the Day is a production of, Grand Rapids' site for Stern, politics and more!

No comments:

Post a Comment