Monday, May 18, 2015

5.18.15 Bee-otch of the Day: ASUS

Bee-otch of the Day honors are awarded Monday through Thursday, Bee-otch of the Week is awarded Friday on



Name: ASUS
Age: 26
Occupation: tech giant
Last Seen: Taipei, Taiwan
Bee-otched For: making one shitty laptop
A few months ago, my beloved Toshiba laptop seemed to be starting to show its age.

Despite only being three years old, the sound system started to make gitchy noises that reminded me of Jim Breuer's "Goat Boy" sketches from SNL and sometimes, it would disconnect itself from the internet.
 Despite running my antivirus and malware software, it wasn't fixable. I even called Toshiba's hotline and made me waste $40 to diagnose the problem to no avail. So, when my tax returns were deposited into my bank account, I decided to make a trip out to my local ABC Warehouse.

I was told that Lenovo computers were the one to try, but they didn't have any. Instead, they had a few HPs and a few other brands. But, they had one computer that they were desperate to purge itself of, and it was an ASUS.

I wasn't 100% positive on buying a computer whose brand I wasn't 100% sure on, but at $499 for a laptop that had 1TB storage and lots of memory, it seemed to be a steal. I also bought an extended warranty since my Toshiba had a one-year and fixing that glitch would be cost prohibitive in the age when laptops are only designed to last three years tops.

Well, I took it home and got acquainted with it. The sound wasn't glitched up, so that was a plus. But, it's biggest downfalls included the fact that the keyboard sucked. I'm a fairly fast typist, and every time I didn't hit a key hard enough, I ended up misspelling a word. With a blog like this, it's aggravating and time consuming every time I had to go back and fix text just because typing on that thing involved having to press the damn thing too hard, especially the space bar.

But another issue was the fact that if I was on a website that involved a lot of graphics - like YouTube or Facebook - it would always disconnect itself from the internet. Strange, since my smartphone is also hooked to the same wifi system in my apartment and it never disconnects itself unless it has any issues. I did some reading, and it appears that it's an issue with Windows 8.1.

Well, the final straw came on Friday when I was watching the Tiger game online when I decided to hook my phone into the laptop. Just before I plugged in the USB, the computer itself shut off. Even worse, the LED lights indicating that it was plugged in were shut off, too. So, I went online to see if there was a quick fix. One site said to take out the battery. But, the laptop was designed so if I needed to change the battery, that it would take a technician to do so. Thankfully, since my faith in ASUS had been iffy since day one, I kept the original, briefcase-type box it came in and located the owner's manual. It said that the best way to contact ASUS was to go to their support site and type in the problem. REALLY? NO NUMBER TO CALL?!?! So, I Googled "ASUS support number" and it led me to some Asian hotline that wanted to charge me. I hung up on them right away. So, I got my dusty Toshiba out of storage and did what ASUS wanted me to do: go to their support site, report the issue there and then they gave me a number to call since I now had a case number. The guy on the other line was actually quite helpful (unlike the strange Asian chick that Toshiba had who jipped me out of $40) and gave me instructions on how to send the unit to a repair center.

Now, my crappy little ASUS computer is on its way to California to get fixed and I'm back to my more-reliable Toshiba to bring you the BOTD. I can type faster and it hasn't disconnected from the web once. The sound is still wonky at times, but for now, oh, well. Honestly, I hope I can get a refund on my ASUS so I can get something more reliable. If not, I might as well get an external keyboard so I'm not trying to kill myself when I'm typing. But that's the price you pay when you buy a computer on blind faith vs. going to first, reading the reviews and then buying the damn thing.

Apparently to ASUS, "Inspiring Innovation, Persistent Perfection" means something else in America.


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