Tuesday, March 24, 2015

3.24.15 Bee-otch of the Day: Ted Cruz

Bee-otch of the Day honors are awarded Monday through Thursday, Bee-otch of the Week is awarded Friday on Chuck69.com.



Name: Ted Cruz
Age: 44
Occupation: senator
Last Seen: 
Lynchburg, VA
Bee-otched For: starting his presidential campaign at the wrong spot
---If this schmuck ever gets elected president, he could be the first-ever commander-in-chief who'll be animated on South Park with his head detached from his body and all of his mentions of the word "about" as "uh-boot".

It's official: Ted Cruz is the first contender to run for president in 2016. He announced his bid on Sunday, selling his teabagger principles to the masses on Sunday. As president, Cruz would (wait for it) eliminate Obamacare and eliminate the IRS and go with a flat tax.

But guess where Cruz announced his run? None other than Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA, the infamous Christian college founded by the late - but not great - Jerry Falwell. Yes, the same Falwell who decided to blame gays, liberals and women for the events on 9/11 during an episode of The 700 Club with Pat Robertson just two days after that horrific event. The same Falwell who tried to save the struggling PTL ministry by going down their waterslide in a suit at their now-shuttered amusement park. And the same Falwell who unsuccessfully sued Hustler Magazine and publisher Larry Flynt over a Dewar's ad parody where he talks about the first time he had sex, and it was with his mother in an outhouse.

But it's not just the fact that Cruz decided to make his presidential bid at Liberty U., it's the fact that technically, he can't be president of the United States of America. Why? IT'S BECAUSE HIS FATHER WAS A CUBAN CITIZEN WHEN HE WAS BORN, AND HE'S TECHNICALLY CANADIAN!

Yes, Ted Cruz was born to an American mother, but his father was Cuban. He didn't become a naturalized US citizen until 2005. Even more, Cruz was born in Canada. I love the fact that Cruz and his fellow teabaggers cry about President Obama's US citizenship and the forever-moronic and untrue claims that he was from Kenya, but surprise! Ted Cruz is LESS QUALIFIED to be US president!

I don't give a damn, but in 2016, I'm still voting Democrat. I don't give a damn if Hillary is the frontrunner, but our country cannot afford a repeat of the 2000s. We need to stay the course with Obama's policies, which have created jobs instead of taking them away like Dubya did.

Maybe Mr. Cruz has breathed in too much oil.


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